Yikes. My head can be a crazy place to live sometimes. I can be so emotional and sensitive… which I think are good qualities but they can get me into trouble from time to time.
What’s hard is that when my circumstances become challenging or I feel disappointment, these voices enter my head that threaten to bring me down. The negative voices of “you’re not good enough,” or “you’re not strong enough,” or “you’ll never do this or that.” Do you hear those voices sometimes too? What do they say to you? Mine attack my self-worth. They make me feel un-valuable and un-valued. They make me feel like a failure. They make me feel invisible. They convince me that no one cares. I guess when it comes down to it, they are telling me that my greatest fears are actually my reality.
It is a daily battle between those voices and God’s voice in my head. Because what God has to say to me and about me is pretty much the exact opposite of the negative voice. God says I am worth EVERYTHING to him. God says that I matter, that I am loved, that I am important, that I have gifts and talents that make me uniquely ME and he wants me to use them. He says that he sees me, he hears me, and that he cares.
I think that’s one of the reasons I’ve been writing so much scripture and putting it up around my house. I want God’s voice to be the loudest. I want His voice to ring true. I want to be able to easily distinguish the voice of God from the voice of the enemy.
We’ve been dealing with some tough stuff lately. For awhile after we moved it felt as if we could see so clearly all the ways God was weaving our story and bringing us to where we were supposed to be. We felt overflowing joy and peace and gratitude. But, as it tends to do, life became a bit more sticky and messy and God began to feel more distant. Why do we assume that when things are good, God is near, and when things are bad, God is distant? Maybe that’s just me.
The truth is that God is always near. And he is always good. Even when circumstances are bad. For me, I am weak and I allow my circumstances to dictate my mood and my happiness and the thoughts swimming through my head. My prayer is that every day I will be a little better at fixing my thoughts on the only One who is steady and constant in the midst of storms and struggles.